There are seasons when the soul feels stretched thin, pulled between who you were and who God is calling you to be. Seasons when you want Him, but you do not know how to reach for Him. Seasons when one foot is planted in old comfort and the other is trembling on holy ground.
If that is you tonight, you are not alone.
There are people who grow up knowing God as naturally as breathing, and there are people who come to Him slow, unsure, hesitant, afraid of committing to a life they do not yet understand. Many stand in the doorway of faith, wanting to walk in, terrified of failing Him once they do. They do not say it aloud, but it sits in their chest like a stone.
What if I am not good enough.
What if I cannot change.
What if He sees all of me and turns away.
But the truth is simpler and kinder than we make it.
Your relationship with God begins the same way every relationship begins.
Communication. Presence. Daily choice.
You do not fall into closeness. You grow into it.
I used to think faith was supposed to come as a lightning bolt or an overwhelming emotion, but more often it begins quietly, like a seed. A tiny movement of the heart. A choice made in the middle of exhaustion. A decision to pick up the Bible even when your mind is cluttered. A whispered prayer even when you are not sure anyone hears it. It is choosing Him in small ways until your spirit recognizes the sound of His voice.
Some people wait to feel connected before they start showing up.
But sometimes you have to show up before you feel connected.
If you want closeness with God, begin by living in His direction. Speak about Him. Read His Word. Sit quietly with Him. Talk to Him like you would talk to someone you are trying to know. Let His presence become familiar. Let the habit turn into hunger.
Call it faith.
Call it obedience.
Call it growth.
Call it what it is, even if it feels strange at first.
You can call it fake it till you make it, but what you are really doing is practicing presence until your spirit learns what your mind has not yet grasped. God is not waiting for you to be perfect. He is waiting for you to come close. He has already claimed you. He already chose you. He already died for you.
I am a sinner. I fall short every day. But I repent and rise again because His mercy lets me start over. Every chapter. Every morning. Every breath. He is patient with me, even when I am impatient with myself.
And He is patient with you too.
If you are standing with one foot in and one foot out, afraid to commit, afraid to surrender, afraid to believe too deeply, hear this:
You will not lose yourself by stepping closer to God.
You will find yourself there.
So take the next small step. Read one verse. Whisper one prayer. Tell Him you want to know Him. Tell Him you want to feel Him. Tell Him you are trying. He honors that. Heaven honors that. Growth begins there.
You are not behind.
You are not alone.
You are not too late.
You are not too far gone.
You are simply becoming.
Tonight, under the willow, this is my prayer for you.
Father, for the one who feels torn between the world and Your presence, breathe peace over her. Give her the courage to lean toward You even when she does not feel ready. Meet her in the small moments. Speak to her in the quiet. Pull her closer day by day. Help her see that You are not asking for perfection, only surrender. Let her know she is seen, forgiven, held, and deeply loved. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
A letter from the shade.
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